I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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