i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
