Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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