Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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