You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
