i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize