my mouth tastes like poor choices
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
