Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
