My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
