i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
