Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
