do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
