No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
