I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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