10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
bring money and cleavage
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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