I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
