I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
