the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
