Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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