i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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