Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
