Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize