Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we're making bets on your personal life
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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