It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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