also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
