I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
this will be a night to untag.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
