grandma shit on top of the toilet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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