I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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