Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
