Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
