Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
