i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dear god my vagina.
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