We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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