dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I checked into jail on foursquare
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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