That's intense
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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