Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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