Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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