I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He better not be in your backpack
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
