I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The air was thick with penises
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
