I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize