I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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