Whatcha textin bout Willis?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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