you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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