I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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