you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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