We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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