There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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