matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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