she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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