Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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