Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
