We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
