If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
