im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Pooping to opera.
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