If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
