Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
