This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
