Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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