i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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