remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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