U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
