The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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