Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
