Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
