he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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