i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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