We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
